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Quality confusion on a Monday evening

October 22, 2012

Cory Matthews, the main character on “Boy Meets World,” despises change. More than that, he fears it, and he freaks out when anything in his life experiences it. Now, I’m not a huge lover of change either. I mean, it’s scary when it happens. It’s change! By definition, it means things will be different; things with which we were once comfortable become different, so by their very nature, we must re-comfortable-ize ourselves with our lives.

I’ve been having quite a few conversations about change with people lately. It’s not that I’m scared of it, honestly. I’ve experienced major change before, and I realize that no matter how frightening it seems to be at the time, everything works out the way it’s supposed to. Everything happens for a reason.

Okay, so that cliché is all well and good, but what about real life? As I’ve said before, this year has been incredibly different from last year – as it should be. Every year is different than the one before (even if we don’t really realize that) because that’s what growing older and wiser is. I guess you could say I’m pulling a Cory – I’m having a hard time dealing with the change. Not because I’m pining for the old days, but because I’m just trying to figure out my life. But I’m 19 years old. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

I call this past weekend a super reflective weekend; I tried to, as I said, figure out my life in terms of what I’m studying and making sure what I’m doing is indeed what I want to do; in terms of my daily routine and weekly life and making sure I’m actually living it; in terms of being happy and content and appreciating the moment; and in terms of the people in my life and their roles in it and my role in theirs and their impact and if they’ll remain a part of my life in the years to come. I thought about the people, values and things that are most important to me, I guess one could say.

Difficult questions. Difficult reflections. Potentially, difficult realizations to accept. Change is important; it matters, and it’s good. I believe that to the fullest extent. But it is pretty dang difficult to have to come to terms with the fact that things are different, and it’s even harder to come to terms with the fact that things will be different.

I mean, yes, I have changed in the past few months, but my core values have stayed the same. I still value the quality of my friendships and maintaining those friendships. I still value doing what I love and loving what I do. I still value appreciating the moment and really living.

But I’m having a hard time as a sophomore in college (and I know I’m not the only one). I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that this is it: this is growing up, and this is only the beginning of all the life changes on the horizon. I was talking to my friend, who I have known for a lifetime, this summer about how some of the biggest changes and decisions that we will ever experience are so close in the grand scheme of things. And that freaks me out, not gonna lie, because it means that everything I’ve known is changing, and that’s not just something that I can’t accept. I have to accept it because that’s what life is.

So it’s hard to be a sophomore in college. It’s hard to have to figure out who you are and where you belong and what your purpose is (beyond just fitting into the economy) and what you want out of life and who will support you and the path you will take and how you will lead your life. And I know I don’t have to figure out all the answers to all of these questions right now, and I know it’s perfectly all right and normal to have these questions and be seeking these answers. It’s just too darn bad that life isn’t like an episode of “Boy Meets World,” where the aftermath of the change is realized by the end of the 30-minute episode.

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From → Sophomore

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